"Sometimes

who knows how?

the body & the soul

come back

together

again

the hand

holding the pen

writes

not advertising

but

heart."

~Alice Walker

to my Dad on Father's day (one day late)

Dad,

i wanted to write something to you yesterday for father's day, but as you know, in true nikki fashion, i am a day late. last year i called you on father's day, and you and mom and amy were doing something special for the day- making breakfast maybe, and then going for a walk, or maybe you made tacos for dinner and had your favorite yellow cake with chocolate frosting for dessert- and i told you happy Father's day, and that i loved you, and that i had a present/card for you that was on it's way (when in reality it probably wasn't even in the mail yet). i am bad at being on time with these kinds of things. if i would have known that it would be your last, i would have flown home, and been with you every second until it happened, and i would have held your hand and tried to stop it. if only...

Dad, i thought about you this morning and found myself laughing in the shower...i was thinking about your scrapbook from when you were little, and the page where you wrote neatly at the top: "My first gray hair," and signed at the bottom : "Patrick Williams, age 13" with a piece of curly gray hair taped to the middle.

and i was thinking about you last night and laughing, too, as i fell asleep. i started thinking about all your little treasures and sentimental things, stashed in the funniest places. i don't even want to think about the day (and hopefully it never comes) when we start packing up your clothes and giving them to the homeless shelter (because i know that's where you would want them to go) but if and when we ever do, the one thing i am looking forward to is all the little treasures we will find along the way... even now, you still find ways to amuse us.

when i was at home a few months ago, mom and melody went down south for, can you believe it, another funeral, and the night that they left, i snuck upstairs to your room, picked up your ashes and carried them into the bathroom, and started going through your things in your sink area. i felt a little bit guilty doing it, and kind of paranoid, but i rationalized that really, you were right there with me anyways, and knowing you, you really wouldn't care too much, so it would probably be okay. there were the usual toiletry items in the top drawer, and your special leather bag in the bottom drawer that was grandpa's i think, with shavers and matches inside, and some old aim toothpaste from the dollar store. After looking through these familiar items, I started digging around underneath the sink to see what i could find. There, in the very back, was a small cigar box, tucked away and hiding. I wasn't totally surprised- this is what you do...save papers and nicknacks and scraps of things and hide them in odd places, but I couldn't help but laugh, and as I pulled it out i knew that i was holding something very special in my hands.

i don't remember everything that was in it, but I do remember some things... a small yellow manila envelope with hand-written instructions in cursive saying: "this is to go to Melody," (i'm guessing there was a piece of jewelry in it at some point in time), a folded up funeral invitation with a mystery name on it, a PTA membership card with grandma's signature, charms and pennies of course, and a very official looking piece of paper stating:

"This certifies that Patrick Michael Williams has completed Kindergarten and is graduating into the first grade" signed Mrs. so and so, your kindergarten teacher (i can't remember her name).

so cute and hilarious, and also not surprising.

i also found this little blue faded fortune-telling card, that now has its home in my wallet:

"Reading C: Don't go through life forever wishing for the unattainable. Be a bit more realistic. Be satisfied with what you have and greater happiness will be yours. You are a zealous person, and can turn your capabilities for the good of others. If money slips too easily through your fingers, learn to curb your spending habits. Don't be too surprised if you find yourself "up in the air" one of these days."

Dad- this is just too much, i can't even take it. I will say that i found this fortune to be pretty timely, given that just a few days before you passed away, I was talking to you and mom about getting more on top of my finances and making a budget, and you were rooting me on, as you always do. where did you get this card from anyways, and what impressed you to save it for so long, until you finally put it in this little box and stashed it underneath your bathroom sink? maybe you wanted me to find it on purpose...that's what i like to think.

On this Father's Day, Dad, i want to say that i love you SO SO much. You are precious, and Mom and Amy and Melody and me and your whole family absolutely adore you. We love everything about you- your quirks, your stashes and nicknacks (even the old speakers and junk from garage sales that you kept in the attic and refused to get rid of), your humor, your huge and generous heart, and the way you took care of your family. i don't know what happens after a person dies, but i believe deep down that you are in the arms of God, being searched and known and loved in the deepest and most hidden corners of your soul, and that you are coming to know freedom in a way that you could never have begun to dream or imagine- because God loves you that much. i mean, come on, how could she not?

i miss you, Dad, and i wish that i could tell you all of this in person. we love you, and we think about you every day.

love,

your daughter nikki

Funeral Blues

by W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Daddy,

I miss you so much. I am so sad that you are gone, and I am not sure how I am going to make it along without you. I miss hugging you, and feeling your big strong arms around me. I miss holding your hand, and walking with your arm around me down our street to the beach, usually doing a double-skip so that my feet are walking in sink with yours. I miss the way you calm me down and make me laugh and make me feel good about myself...I remember over Christmas break I mentioned one night that I thought my personality was "too intense" and you simply stated, "I like your personality!" Hearing that made me feel so much better. And when I got a mean note on my car from someone who said that I was resting my car on their bumper when I parked, and that they were going to contact their insurance and that they took pictures, you were just like, "Well, things happen. It's no big deal. They're probably just saying that, and if we get something from our insurance, we'll deal with it then. Don't even worry about it." And I felt so relieved! (which, btw, I do vaguely remember feeling a little bump when I parked, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't even think to look :/ ).

I am going to miss you so much- my birthday, graduation, moving (if I decide to), Christmas...I can't imagine these times without you. We had so much fun together- going to the beach, going on bike rides, going out to eat, making trips to Wal-Mart and Albertsons and the Redbox, doing dishes...I just love being with you. You make me laugh like no one else, and I am really going to miss that.

Daddy, you were too young to go, and I don't understand why this has happened. I really wish you would come back. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad, or cry over you, but I am SO sad...how could I not be? I know you didn't want this to happen, and you would have done everything in your power to have prevented it. I feel SO sad, like the ground has been pulled out from under me. You loved me so fully and unconditionally, and I am not even sure why! But you did, and I will hold your love for me in my heart forever. I don't know how I am going to go on or get through this, but I know that God is carrying me, and will help me. Us girls are going to be okay, but we are going to miss you so very much. I believe in my heart that I will see you again in Heaven, and I pray that that day comes soon. Please stay in my heart, and give me the strength and courage to get through this. I need you, and I love you.

Love,

Your Daughter Nikki

a single girl's song of lament

sometimes, well a lot of the time, but especially over the holidays, it is really hard to be single. i am home and around all these people who are together as couples, and who love each other, who do sweet things like make each other home-made children's story love books and electric-powered heart pictures, and i am so happy for them... but, in a little corner of my heart, i feel a tinge of sadness. I am not sad ALL the time...just in certain moments. like when i see all these love birds cuddling on the couch, or when i go to the movies as the third-wheel, with no one to hold hands with. my heart aches.

most days (well, okay, like maybe 30% of the week) i don't mind being single. the thought of being with just ONE person, with all of their faults and limitations, FOREVER, kind of freaks me out. if i think about it too much, i start to feel a bit claustrophobic! but if it was the right person, someone really great, i think i could get over my claustrophobia and be okay. i guess i haven't gotten over that "hump" yet, so to speak, from simply dating to entering into a serious relationship. i haven't experienced what a long-term relationship would be like, and what kind of joy (and set of difficulties) that this unique kind of relationship would bring.

i've had many conversations with different people about being single. one married guy friend/cohort told me that there is a cost to being in a relationship, that it is really difficult, and that the grass is always greener on the other side. i am sure that being in a committed, long-term relationship would not be easy, but i don't hear many married/dating couples (who are relatively happy at least) say that they would go back to being single. they have someone to spoon with every single night! i mean, c'mon, seriously.

i talked to another friend recently who told me she was reading a book about a woman from a third-world, war torn country. she was a refugee, her family was killed, and somehow she managed to escape to Germany. while she was there, she fell in love, but the man she loved cheated on her and broke her heart. she said that this kind of pain- the pain of a broken heart- was different and worse than any other kind of pain she had experienced. this really is not too hard for me to believe...i have never gone through a war, but i have felt the pain of a broken heart (even over one date with someone that i barely knew, who decided to go for someone else that he was already dating) and it felt like the wind was knocked out of me! i literally felt like i was derailed.

one of my professors at school says that the purpose of therapy is not to help people become happier, but to help people learn how to honestly suffer. there are many ways that people suffer...I sit with people who tell me their stories of suffering--stories of unhappy marriages, of affairs, of loneliness and loss, of abuse that is unspeakable and horrendous. i listen and simply try to be with them in it. and sometimes, usually the next day, all the suffering that has gotten inside of me needs to get let out, and i cry and cry. through this process of being an intern, i am learning that "we can only lead others as far as we have gone ourselves," which means that I need to learn how to honestly suffer as well. this is not easy for me to do, but I am trying. and I am learning that grief, too, is a gift.

i am not sure exactly how to end this post, since it is a bit depressing (and on Christmas day too...sheez louise! really, i have so many things to be grateful for). but tonight, i cried in the bathroom, and i thought it might help to write my thoughts out in a blog, and invite other people to lament with me, so that perhaps i would not feel so alone.

i guess i will end by kindly requesting that you please NOT write comments like: "don't worry, it will happen when you are least expecting it! that's how it happened for me..." or, "you are so beautiful and you will make a great wife and mother someday!" these kinds of comments might make you, the married/dating person feel better, but believe me, it really is no consolation to a single girl. the best way to be of help is to simply listen and be with me in it, and to acknowledge that my pain is real.

someday, i hope to find someone really special to spend my days with...someone to make breakfast with and sit on the couch with, someone to hold hands with and make wal-mart runs with (so that i can buy him toothpaste and underwear with gift cards that my harley-davidson driving uncle gives me), someone to go to sleep at night with and wake up in morning with. until then, i will keep my chin up and count my blessings, cry when i need to, pray a lot, talk to friends, and write blogs occasionally about being single and not necessarily loving it.

A Thanksgiving Benediction

last year at our thanks.giving vespers a friend from school, Jackie Moulton, wrote a poem that i have remembered and have wanted to read and read again, because i loved it so much. i just managed to get a hold of it and i want to share it with my friends...(i am in the process of asking for her permission, but i'm sure she won't mind). read it slowly, like a children's story, and let the words sink in deep and bring you rest.

Shhhhh…..

it's time.

it's time to put the little ones to sleep.

it's getting late and we have things to do.

See, Shames little eyes are beginning to droop.

She is trying so hard to seem awake and attentive,

but it's late,

and she is tired

So go ahead, put Shame to bed.

We will all knowingly excuse you while you put her tired little body down.

We all have these kids too,

we understand.

shhhhhh

See, look, Doubt is also nodding off. He has had a rough day.

So go ahead,

pick him up and carry him off to bed.

Lay him gently in his room with the toys scattered everywhere and the airplanes painted on the wall.

Help Should Have and Could Have into their star wars p.j.'s.

Lead them into their bedrooms and tuck them in to their tiny beds.

Go ahead and let Guilt scurry down the hall in his footy pajamas.

Anxiety is running around the living room tirelessly like a crazy person.

but it's past her bedtime,

and you are not fooled by her loud boisterous yelps,

she is oh so tired.

So pick her up and take her to bed.

You know very well she will throw a fit.

she still wants to play.

But a good parent is kind and yet sticks to the rules.

bedtime is bedtime.

Lay all these little ones down in their little beds.

Caress Shames face as she tosses and turns to find a comfortable spot.

Sing softly to Should Have and Could Have,

they have a hard time falling asleep…..

hush little baby don't you cry,

mommas gonna sing you a lullaby.

Bring Anxiety a cup of warm milk and rub her back

until she slips into dreams where she is free and able to fly.

Leave the night light on.

Be kind.

Remember, they are only children.

Doubt will wake up in a few hours and demand water and reassurance.

So bring water, rub his back, and speak softly.

He is just a child.

Remember they are children

and as children tend to do, they will grow up.

after tears and fights and long nights

spent awake

they will grow up.

they will grow up

and move out

and come back in full force during the holidays.

They are children,

they act the way they do because they are scared and unsure.

we all understand that.

we’ve been kids ourselves.

I wish I could tell you to go ahead and go to sleep for in the morning

shame, doubt, guilt, and fear will be all matured, grown up and out of the house.

but they won't.

they will be up early.

probably way earlier than you.

doubt will be jumping on your bed.

and shame will be in the kitchen spilling cheerios and milk all over the counter.

Should have and Would have will have a whole list of things they want to do

but remember they are just children,

so be kind

and yet firm.

Fear does not get to run around screaming in this house.

Shame does not get to say nasty cruel things at you.

and Anxiety is going to help with the chores whether she likes it or not.

stick with them.

be gentle.

they will grow up soon.

I promise.

So Go ahead,

and kindly put them to bed.

We have singing and dancing to do.

remember, You are doing great.

Every parent feels exasperated at the end of the day.

Every parent feels from time to time that they are doing everything wrong.

From time to time Every parent feels helpless.

Shhhhhh…

see,

shame and guilt have finally stopped fussing and are dreaming sweet dreams.

Should Have and Could Have are snoring little snores.

Anxiety is tossing and turning but

asleep.

So come on,

lets sing.

lets dance

and play.

lets celebrate,

ourselves.

you are all magnificent parents.

you have done another day.

you survived today, with all those kids...

and if that is not proof of love and grace I don't know what is.

you are all walking houses of the holy,

and you are so beautiful.

so come on,

lets be alive.

lets sing.

together.

Regina Spektor-Dance Anthem of The 80's

So i think this is about the cutest video that i ever did see. i love her lyrics..."There's a meet market down the street, the boys and girls watch each other eat, when they really just wanna watch each other sleeeeeeeeeeep." yeah i'd say this is pretty true...man girl you nailed it. :)