tired.

yes, i feel tired. i am tired of praying - my words feel so old. tired of picking up my Bible and reading - it feels heavy in my hands. where do i start? these words are familiar, i have read them before. there is no mystery here- i have this god figured out.

tired of Christian radio and emotionally-charged music and sermons on CD and Christian "self-help" books; of "Becoming a Contagious Christian" and "making friends" in order to convert them. tired of fear-based religion- fear of sex; fear of alcohol; fear of dancing. and i love to dance. fear of the "other," of the "gray" areas in life, where things are messy and not as clear-cut as "black and white."

tired of One-year Bible reading tracks and programs with acronyms like "H-E-A-R-T" that are meant to lead us to the "goal," whatever that is.

i am. so. tired.

and yet, there is this longing. i don't know what it is, and i can't figure it out. but when i settle down and sit quiet, long enough to listen, i can feel it. i don't know what to do with it or where to go. and i weep.

i am at a loss for words. i don't know what to ask for, or what to say. my hands feel limp, and my body is numb. i am at the end of my rope, hanging on by a thread, and tired. longing for what? i don't know. maybe something "other" than me.