This Is How We Fight

In this week's reading for Therapy II, Karen Maroda talks about developing the ability to be emotionally honest. She argues that people change only when they can feel deeply and freely. To be able to know, accept, and express one's feelings is crucial to developing our emotional intelligence, and having the capacity to develop intimate relationships (from The Curse of the Good Girl).

Maroda quotes this passage in her text, which I thought I would share:

All close relationships require proximity that causes us to step on each other's toes. If, for whatever reason, one does not say "ouch" and communicate the distress experienced as a result of the other's actions, a complex dilemma is created. The need to disguise the distress causes the inmost self to be hidden from the other. The distress, if unrelieved, eventually triggers anger and resentment that must also be hidden. This causes further withdrawal and hiding of the inmost self. The other, perhaps not even aware of the offense, experiences a sense of rejection triggered by the withdrawal, without information adequate to allow reestablishment of the intimate bond. Now hurt, the other may also resort to withdrawal, thus setting in motion a recursive loop of rejection and hurt" (Kelly, 1996, pp. 87-88).

Conflict is inevitable in all close relationships. Our goal in relationship should not be to avoid conflict, but rather to learn how to fight well...to communicate openly, directly and honestly to each other, and to say "ouch" when we are hurt. When we don't do this, we hide our inmost selves, and become angry and restentful in the process. This hiding of ourselves only leads to greater distance and withdrawal from the other person, and the downward spiral continues. The question is, what is so scary about being emotionally honest? Often we believe that if we say how we really feel, we will lose relationship, so we sacrifice honesty in order to attempt to preserve the relationship that we value so deeply. However, by hiding our vulnerable emotions and withholding the truth when we are hurt, the very thing that we fear begins to happen...a loss of intimacy within relationship--to know and be known.

This is what I want--to have the ability to be emotionally honest. I want to be able to feel my emotions deeply and freely, without dismissing or minimizing them, and to let them have weight and significance. I want to be able to know, accept, and express my emotions (from The Curse of the Good Girl, p. 131), without judgment or self-contempt. I want to be authentic and real in who I am and what I feel, and I am proud of myself to say that I am actually beginning to learn how to do this, thanks to the hand of God in my life, and to good therapy. And for the record, let me just say that this kind of freedom feels SOOOOO good.

Maroda's concept of how to deal with conflict is not a new one. Biblical scripture provides great wisdom on how fight well, and how to be emotionally honest with each other (Matt. 18). Let's take these words of wisdom to heart, and trust that through conflict we have the potential to grow in intimacy with God, ourselves, and each other.