Regina Spektor-Dance Anthem of The 80's

So i think this is about the cutest video that i ever did see. i love her lyrics..."There's a meet market down the street, the boys and girls watch each other eat, when they really just wanna watch each other sleeeeeeeeeeep." yeah i'd say this is pretty true...man girl you nailed it. :)

This Is How We Fight

In this week's reading for Therapy II, Karen Maroda talks about developing the ability to be emotionally honest. She argues that people change only when they can feel deeply and freely. To be able to know, accept, and express one's feelings is crucial to developing our emotional intelligence, and having the capacity to develop intimate relationships (from The Curse of the Good Girl).

Maroda quotes this passage in her text, which I thought I would share:

All close relationships require proximity that causes us to step on each other's toes. If, for whatever reason, one does not say "ouch" and communicate the distress experienced as a result of the other's actions, a complex dilemma is created. The need to disguise the distress causes the inmost self to be hidden from the other. The distress, if unrelieved, eventually triggers anger and resentment that must also be hidden. This causes further withdrawal and hiding of the inmost self. The other, perhaps not even aware of the offense, experiences a sense of rejection triggered by the withdrawal, without information adequate to allow reestablishment of the intimate bond. Now hurt, the other may also resort to withdrawal, thus setting in motion a recursive loop of rejection and hurt" (Kelly, 1996, pp. 87-88).

Conflict is inevitable in all close relationships. Our goal in relationship should not be to avoid conflict, but rather to learn how to fight well...to communicate openly, directly and honestly to each other, and to say "ouch" when we are hurt. When we don't do this, we hide our inmost selves, and become angry and restentful in the process. This hiding of ourselves only leads to greater distance and withdrawal from the other person, and the downward spiral continues. The question is, what is so scary about being emotionally honest? Often we believe that if we say how we really feel, we will lose relationship, so we sacrifice honesty in order to attempt to preserve the relationship that we value so deeply. However, by hiding our vulnerable emotions and withholding the truth when we are hurt, the very thing that we fear begins to happen...a loss of intimacy within relationship--to know and be known.

This is what I want--to have the ability to be emotionally honest. I want to be able to feel my emotions deeply and freely, without dismissing or minimizing them, and to let them have weight and significance. I want to be able to know, accept, and express my emotions (from The Curse of the Good Girl, p. 131), without judgment or self-contempt. I want to be authentic and real in who I am and what I feel, and I am proud of myself to say that I am actually beginning to learn how to do this, thanks to the hand of God in my life, and to good therapy. And for the record, let me just say that this kind of freedom feels SOOOOO good.

Maroda's concept of how to deal with conflict is not a new one. Biblical scripture provides great wisdom on how fight well, and how to be emotionally honest with each other (Matt. 18). Let's take these words of wisdom to heart, and trust that through conflict we have the potential to grow in intimacy with God, ourselves, and each other.

Tribute to the Everyday

Today in our Sabbath group, a friend shared with us her deep love for Denmark and its culture. I've never really known much about Denmark, but tonight I learned several things about this little country that I never knew before, and that have convinced me that I pretty much want to live there:

1) According to research on happiness, the people in Denmark are found to be the happiest people on Earth.

2) This country has free health care for its citizens, school paid for through college, and a very good retirement plan that everyone receives. Although they pay more taxes, and the system isn't perfect, it's worth it because they know that their basic needs will be taken care of.

3) They have a 35hr. work week, and 6 weeks of paid vacation every year.

4) They are known for their ability to create wonderful dwelling spaces.

5) They deeply value community. When it comes to setting up a date to get together, they mean it...unlike our culture, where we'll casually say, "yeah, we should hang out sometime!" but often don't really mean it or follow through.

6) They know how to enjoy and savor the everyday.

During our reflection time, I realized that I just recently purchased a table that was made in Denmark that I absolutely love. It has no fluff or frills- just a basic, well built wooden table. But the amazing thing about it is that it is SO easy to use! It has two leaves that conveniently slide out and then back in, so it can easily sit four to six people, and I don't have to deal with the crazy hassle of trying to pull the table apart, take the leaf out, shove the table back together, and then find a place to hide the leaf in a closet or something. AND, the legs on this table are amazing too! They screw on and off, so you can transport the table easily, and it's easy enough for one person to do it. I was able to take it out of my car, carry it into the house, and set it up all by myself! The Danish people know how to make living easy and enjoyable, and stress-free...something that my adorable kitchen table demonstrates so well.

Our friend, Aurora, also read this poem, written by a Danish man that talks about his wild love for the everyday. I found it to be a lovely little poem that is definitely worth reading, sharing, and re-sharing.

Hyldest til Hverdagen (Tribute to the Everyday)

I am fond of the everyday,

most of all I am fond of the everyday,

The slow awakening to the known views

that all the same are never quite so familiar

The family's at once both intimate but after sleep's distance unfamiliar faces

morning kisses

the smack of the post landing in the hall

the smell of coffee

the ritual walk to the corner market for

milk, cigarettes, newspapers

I am fond of the everyday

even through all its irritations

the bus which clatters outside on the street

the telephone that incessantly disturbs the most beautiful, blankest

standing-still nothing of my aquarium

the birds that chirp from their cage

the old neighbor that looks past

the kid who has to be picked up at nursery only just as one is getting going

the constant shopping list in the jacket pocket

with its regular demands of meat, potatoes, coffee and crackers

the quick little one at the local

when we all meet together with our shopping bags and wipe our sweat from our brows

I am fond of the everyday

the daily agenda

also the biological

the unavoidable procedures of the bath and toilet

the obligatory shaving

the letters that must be written

the rent

the balancing of the checkbook

the dishes

the realization of having run out of diapers and tape

i am fond of the everyday

Not in contrast to parties and colors, good times and applause

have that as well

with all its leftover cinder

so much unsaid and approximated

floating and hanging in the air afterwards

like some sort of psychological hangover

only the everyday morning coffee can cure

fine enough with the parties! all the room for euphoria!

let the thousand pearls bubble!

and what happiness it is to afterwards lay oneself down

in rest and everyday's bed

with the familiar

all the same not quite so familiar

I am fond of the everyday

I am wild about it

stop the holidays i am so fond of the everyday

i am really fucking fond of the everyday

Thanks so much, friends, for a wonderful Sabbath evening, and to Aurora and Nicole for sharing your thoughts and voice with us. Here's to shakras (maybe I'll blog about that next week), and to the everyday!

e·volve [ih-volv]

to evolve: to come forth gradually into being, develop, open, unfold...

It has been said that "slow growth is good growth." Slow growth is the only kind of growth that is reliable and trustworthy. Any other kind of growth is suspect, and should be for good reason, since it takes time to heal- there are no quick fixes when it comes to matters of the heart. As I contemplate my own process of what seems to be snail-paced growth, it is relieving to be reminded that, perhaps, I am exactly where I need to be...I am gradually coming forth into being, unfolding, evolving, and to rush the process would be to spoil the whole thing.

The earth and all of its inhabitants have an incredible capacity to evolve; to grow. It is this capacity that I have felt particularly grateful for lately. It feels good to grow and to have the capacity to change and create. It feels like a breath of fresh air to realize that I have the ability to choose life, and to grow.

In the chapter, "The Reversal of Narcissism," Symington writes:

"...the narcissistic situation goes into reverse the moment we start to do, to create...The marvel is that it is possible to change the emotional facts of our lives. Our lives are not set in concrete, but the narcissistic voice will always tell us that we are. Our minds can change, and with a changed mind our personal world changes. It can change radically."

our lives are not set in concrete, but the narcissistic voice will always tell us that we are...

I am resistant to change; I do not want to grow.

There is a certain kind of humbleness that comes with opening ourselves up to growth. Often I feel that my pride (or that narcissistic voice) keeps me from growing in the way that I most desire. But when I begin to do, to create, I begin to feel alive again, and thriving. Choosing the life-giver inside of us is not an easy choice, though. It is in fact, probably the scariest thing we will ever do.

As Symington writes...

"The lifegiver as a component within comes about through a leap in the dark. This extract gives us a feeling of terrible risk. As Tolstoy points out, the fear in the human heart is enormous when taking one of these emotional steps. I remember once a man whom I was seeing for psychotherapy saying, "This step that I'm daring to take is just as great as climbing Mount Everest, and I agreed with him. But it is that step outwards that is the core of the healthy self."

I am ready (i think, gulp) to take the risk of growing- these old patterns and defenses aren't serving me well anymore, and I am ready to be great, to live into my power and my light that is already within me, since I am a child of God (from Marianne Williamson). It is a dangerous leap, for sure, and I am terrified. I might have to teeter-totter on the edge and contemplate my decision for a little while longer, but the scales are tipping, so to speak, and I am leaning, leaning, about ready to jump, believing with Kobi Yamata that my wings will be built on the way down, and with Marianne Williamson that my own liberation will unconsciously liberate others as well. And because I believe that the risk is worth it, and that the cost of not growing is far greater than the cost of growing, I am going to take the leap and choose the life-giver inside me, oh yes I am. So here I go......

the to-go coffee cup

What is it, exactly, about the to-go coffee cup? There is something that seems so, so..sophisticated about carrying around a little paper cup with a cute logo on it that says "Starbucks" or "Cafe Umbria," with a black lid on top and a little brown cardboard warmer thing around it.

To-go coffee cups are so exciting. They have a mysterious way of making the carrier of the cup seem so put-together and sexy. The to-go-cup in the hand sends the message: I am successful, hip, smart, I read the paper, and I am probably someone who is really cool.

Every time I see someone carrying a coffee-to-go cup, I have an automatic response of feeling kind of aroused...

As I watch the to-go coffee cup in the hand of its carrier, I feel a warm tingling sensation inside--the way the hand caresses the cup so thoughtlessly as the carrier of the cup engages in intelligent and insightful conversation, or simply gazes out the window, mysteriously pondering deep thoughts.

The to-go-coffee cup communicates wealth and possibility, privilege and success; the to-go coffee cup is so much more than just a to-go coffee cup.

Sometimes, I will carry my to-go-coffee cup around just for fun, even if the coffee inside is pretty much all gone. Or I will try to prolong my sips in order to make the sexiness of the to-go cup in my hand last just a little bit longer...I am not ready to part with its magical properties quite yet.

Am I alone in my to-go coffee cup fetish? Maybe it's just me, but given the amount of people that I see on a daily basis with to-go coffee cups in hand, I do not think that I am the only one who has been seduced by this form of cardboard hotness. Yes, we Seattlites (and Californians) love our coffee, but is the to-go cup really necessary? I think it would be safe to say that there is more to the to-go cup than simply just the coffee.

Considering the amount of paper waste that is accumulated in Seattle, WA alone, there is great reason to reverse the desirability of the to-go coffee cup, and make BYOC a more popular thing to do. How can we begin to make sustainability a sexy thing, rather than wastefulness?

With all of this said, I must admit that I am not ready to say goodbye to the to-go coffee cup just yet. Perhaps I will try to cut down on buying lattes overall, or I will reuse my to-go cups (even if it does seem a little weird). I don't want to give up the pleasure that the to-go coffee cup brings, and the powerful feelings that come along with it. Just being honest here. But maybe this little pondering is the first step, for me at least, to relinquish my to-go coffee cup obsession, to protest the lies that the media tries to tell be about how to-go coffee cups can make my life better, and to reclaim my own sexiness, which cannot be defined by some exterior object that I hold in my hand.

White Supremacy Culture

(i found this in my Intercultural Communication Skills Workbook. by Tema Okun, based on the work of Daniel Buford with People's Institute for Survival and Beyond. So interesting to read, and definitely worth sharing.)

This is a list of characteristics of white supremacy that show up in our organizations. Culture is powerful precisely because it is so present and at the same time so very difficult to name or identify. The characteristics listed below are damaging because they are used as norms and standards without being pro-actively named or chosen by the group. They are damaging because they promote white supremacy thinking. Because we all live in a white supremacy culture, these characteristics show up in the attitude and behaviors of all of us--people of color and white people. Therefore, these attitudes and behaviors of all show up in any group or organization, whether it is white-led or predominantly white or people of color-led or predominantly people of color.

Perfectionism

1. Little appreciation expressed among people for the work that others are doing; appreciation that is expressed usually directed to those who get most of the credit anyway.

2. More common to point out how the person or work is inadequate.

3. Talk to others about the inadequacies of a person or their work without ever talking directly to them.

4. Mistakes are seen as personal i.e., they reflect badly on the person making them as opposed to being seen for what they are--mistakes.

5. Making a mistake is confused with being a mistake, doing wrong with being wrong.

6. Little time, energy or money put into reflection or identifying lessons learned that can improve practice, in other words little or no learning from mistakes.

7. Tendency to identify what's wrong; little ability to identify, name, and appreciate what's right.

8. Fails to appreciate her own good work, more often pointing out his faults or 'failures', focusing on inadequacies and mistakes rather than learning from them; the person works with a harsh and constant inner critic.

Sense of Urgency

1. Continued sense of urgency that makes it difficult to take time to be inclusive, encourage depressive culture.

Quantity over Quality

1. All resources of organization are directed toward producing measurable goals.

2. Things that can be measured are more highly valued than things that cannot, for example number of people attending a meeting, newsletter circulation, money spent are valued more than quality of relationships, democratic decision-making, ability to constructively deal with conflict.

3. Little or no value attached to process; if it can't be measured, it has no value.

4. Discomfort with emotion and feelings.

5. No understanding when there is a conflict between content (the agenda of the meeting) and process (people's need to be heard or engaged), process will prevail (for example, you may get though the agenda, but if you haven't paid attention to people's need to be heard, the decisions made at the meeting are undermined and/or disregarded).

Worship of the Written Word

1. If it's not in a memo, it doesn't exist.

2. The organization does not take into account or value other ways in which information is shared.

3. Those with strong documentation and writing skills are more highly valued, even in organizations where ability to relate to others is key to the mission.

Only One Right Way

1. The belief there is one right way to do things and once people are introduced to the right way, they will see the light and adopt it.

2. When they do not adapt or change, then something is wrong with them (the other, those not changing), not with us (those who 'know' the right way).

3. Similar to the missionary who does not see value in the culture of other communities, sees only value in their beliefs about what is good.

Paternalism

1. Decision-making is clear to those with power and unclear to those without it.

2. Those with power think they are capable of making decisions for and in the interests of those without power.

3. Those with power often don't think it is important or necessary to understand the viewpoint or experience of those for whom they are making decisions.

4. Those without power understand they do not have it and understand who does.

5. Those without power do not really know how decisions get made and who makes what decisions, and yet they are completely familiar with the impact of those decisions on them.

Either/Or Thinking

1. Requiring people to think in a linear (logical) fashion and ignoring or invalidating those who think in other ways.

2. Impatience with any thinking that does not appear 'logical'.

Right to Comfort

1. The belief that those with power have a right to emotional and psychological comfort (another aspect of valuing 'logic' over emotion).

2. Scapegoating those who cause discomfort.

3. Equating individual acts of unfairness against white people with systemic racism which daily targets people of color.

I found these characteristics to be pervasive both within myself and in the White dominant culture that I have grown up in. Damage is done when one culture assumes its way of thinking is "right" and other ways are wrong, and when it does not give space to listen to and receive other voices. It is helpful to have these things named and identified, because we cannot modify the damaging ways in which we live and relate to others until we become aware of the oppressive and exclusive attitudes that are within us. It is through awareness that we can begin to make a choice to live differently if we so choose.

oh my Whale!

My parents went on a trip to Maui a few weeks ago, and it happened to be Humpback Whale season. The whales travel north during the summertime and eat TONS of food, and then they come back down south during the wintertime to play and have babies. On this special day, my parents and their friends, Donna and Denny, took kayaks out to watch the whales at a safe distance. The whales seemed to have another idea though, and decided to put on a show just for them! And my dad was clever enough to bring his camera along. :)

this one was just stickin' its nose out to see what's up.

this is a baby whale, i think. it was rubbing its barnacles on the bottom of Donna and Denny's kayak!

crraAZY!!! my dad should be a photographer for the National Geographic.

a WHOLE WHALE on top of the water! unbelievable.

I am in complete awe of these images...and to think of the thrill it would be to be there up close and in person! My mom described it as the scariest and most exciting moment of her life--truly life changing. I am SO happy that my parents got to experience something like this. What a gift!