Entertaining Atheism

I never thought that I could entertain the idea that perhaps, there really is no God. That is, until a few nights ago when my dad put on a TV program called "Letting God of God" where this woman actress (I forget what her name is, but she played "Pat" on SNL way back in the day) shared her thoughts on God and her spiritual journey which eventually led her to become an Atheist. Hearing her journey and though-process raised a lot of questions for me, and gave me a lot to ponder. I had a little rant session after watching and thought I would share some of my thoughts on the topic:

Ever since I can remember, I have had a belief in God, and I really don't see how the world could make sense without Him...the exotic creatures, the strange trees, the intricate designs on leaves and flowers, the complexity and complete miracle of human life. How could God NOT exist, I mean, come on. But does life really make sense WITH God in the picture? There are so many paradoxes in life, in nature, in the Bible that do not add up. Life is not predictable, it is not fair, and horrible, horrible things happen all the time, every day...where is God in all of that?

What would it mean for me if there really were no God? Could I really NOT believe anymore? My whole world would come crashing down. And what if, when we died, we just died. Then the uncertainty just goes on...I've always thought that at least, after i die, somehow I will find out the REAL answer to all of this...someday in Heaven, it will all make sense. But what if, when I die, I am just dead and gone? Then I will never know...and I will never know that I ever knew anything at all! Strange.

And strange to think that perhaps, no one is reading my thoughts or my mind- that my thoughts are private and reserved to only me. I don't know...I find such comfort in the words:

"Your ways are not my ways, and your thoughts are not my thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9) and "You know when I sit down and rise up...you are familiar with all of my ways" (Psalm 103).

I am so confused. With everything, with life.

What if there really was no God. Am I willing to step into that possibility? To have enough integrity to seek truth, even if that means abandoning what I have believed and "known" to be true for so long? My world would look so different. And I couldn't wait around anymore...for better days, for the 'after-life' or whatever. I only have this life now. this life. right now. and maybe that means that i have a lot more living to do in the present moment, and with that more responsibility to make a difference in the world now, since this could very well be the only life I have, by some strange coincidence.

So what will I do with this one wild and precious life, as Mary Oliver puts it?

This one. wild and precious. life.

i want to live wildly, and love loudly, and inhabit my own space, and be full of gratitude for this gift of life that I have right now- as i sit on my couch and feel warm and cozy and sip my tea and contemplate these things. thank you for this moment, to Whomever or whatever it may concern. i am truly grateful.