"Sometimes

who knows how?

the body & the soul

come back

together

again

the hand

holding the pen

writes

not advertising

but

heart."

~Alice Walker

to my Dad on Father's day (one day late)

Dad,

i wanted to write something to you yesterday for father's day, but as you know, in true nikki fashion, i am a day late. last year i called you on father's day, and you and mom and amy were doing something special for the day- making breakfast maybe, and then going for a walk, or maybe you made tacos for dinner and had your favorite yellow cake with chocolate frosting for dessert- and i told you happy Father's day, and that i loved you, and that i had a present/card for you that was on it's way (when in reality it probably wasn't even in the mail yet). i am bad at being on time with these kinds of things. if i would have known that it would be your last, i would have flown home, and been with you every second until it happened, and i would have held your hand and tried to stop it. if only...

Dad, i thought about you this morning and found myself laughing in the shower...i was thinking about your scrapbook from when you were little, and the page where you wrote neatly at the top: "My first gray hair," and signed at the bottom : "Patrick Williams, age 13" with a piece of curly gray hair taped to the middle.

and i was thinking about you last night and laughing, too, as i fell asleep. i started thinking about all your little treasures and sentimental things, stashed in the funniest places. i don't even want to think about the day (and hopefully it never comes) when we start packing up your clothes and giving them to the homeless shelter (because i know that's where you would want them to go) but if and when we ever do, the one thing i am looking forward to is all the little treasures we will find along the way... even now, you still find ways to amuse us.

when i was at home a few months ago, mom and melody went down south for, can you believe it, another funeral, and the night that they left, i snuck upstairs to your room, picked up your ashes and carried them into the bathroom, and started going through your things in your sink area. i felt a little bit guilty doing it, and kind of paranoid, but i rationalized that really, you were right there with me anyways, and knowing you, you really wouldn't care too much, so it would probably be okay. there were the usual toiletry items in the top drawer, and your special leather bag in the bottom drawer that was grandpa's i think, with shavers and matches inside, and some old aim toothpaste from the dollar store. After looking through these familiar items, I started digging around underneath the sink to see what i could find. There, in the very back, was a small cigar box, tucked away and hiding. I wasn't totally surprised- this is what you do...save papers and nicknacks and scraps of things and hide them in odd places, but I couldn't help but laugh, and as I pulled it out i knew that i was holding something very special in my hands.

i don't remember everything that was in it, but I do remember some things... a small yellow manila envelope with hand-written instructions in cursive saying: "this is to go to Melody," (i'm guessing there was a piece of jewelry in it at some point in time), a folded up funeral invitation with a mystery name on it, a PTA membership card with grandma's signature, charms and pennies of course, and a very official looking piece of paper stating:

"This certifies that Patrick Michael Williams has completed Kindergarten and is graduating into the first grade" signed Mrs. so and so, your kindergarten teacher (i can't remember her name).

so cute and hilarious, and also not surprising.

i also found this little blue faded fortune-telling card, that now has its home in my wallet:

"Reading C: Don't go through life forever wishing for the unattainable. Be a bit more realistic. Be satisfied with what you have and greater happiness will be yours. You are a zealous person, and can turn your capabilities for the good of others. If money slips too easily through your fingers, learn to curb your spending habits. Don't be too surprised if you find yourself "up in the air" one of these days."

Dad- this is just too much, i can't even take it. I will say that i found this fortune to be pretty timely, given that just a few days before you passed away, I was talking to you and mom about getting more on top of my finances and making a budget, and you were rooting me on, as you always do. where did you get this card from anyways, and what impressed you to save it for so long, until you finally put it in this little box and stashed it underneath your bathroom sink? maybe you wanted me to find it on purpose...that's what i like to think.

On this Father's Day, Dad, i want to say that i love you SO SO much. You are precious, and Mom and Amy and Melody and me and your whole family absolutely adore you. We love everything about you- your quirks, your stashes and nicknacks (even the old speakers and junk from garage sales that you kept in the attic and refused to get rid of), your humor, your huge and generous heart, and the way you took care of your family. i don't know what happens after a person dies, but i believe deep down that you are in the arms of God, being searched and known and loved in the deepest and most hidden corners of your soul, and that you are coming to know freedom in a way that you could never have begun to dream or imagine- because God loves you that much. i mean, come on, how could she not?

i miss you, Dad, and i wish that i could tell you all of this in person. we love you, and we think about you every day.

love,

your daughter nikki

Funeral Blues

by W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Daddy,

I miss you so much. I am so sad that you are gone, and I am not sure how I am going to make it along without you. I miss hugging you, and feeling your big strong arms around me. I miss holding your hand, and walking with your arm around me down our street to the beach, usually doing a double-skip so that my feet are walking in sink with yours. I miss the way you calm me down and make me laugh and make me feel good about myself...I remember over Christmas break I mentioned one night that I thought my personality was "too intense" and you simply stated, "I like your personality!" Hearing that made me feel so much better. And when I got a mean note on my car from someone who said that I was resting my car on their bumper when I parked, and that they were going to contact their insurance and that they took pictures, you were just like, "Well, things happen. It's no big deal. They're probably just saying that, and if we get something from our insurance, we'll deal with it then. Don't even worry about it." And I felt so relieved! (which, btw, I do vaguely remember feeling a little bump when I parked, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't even think to look :/ ).

I am going to miss you so much- my birthday, graduation, moving (if I decide to), Christmas...I can't imagine these times without you. We had so much fun together- going to the beach, going on bike rides, going out to eat, making trips to Wal-Mart and Albertsons and the Redbox, doing dishes...I just love being with you. You make me laugh like no one else, and I am really going to miss that.

Daddy, you were too young to go, and I don't understand why this has happened. I really wish you would come back. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad, or cry over you, but I am SO sad...how could I not be? I know you didn't want this to happen, and you would have done everything in your power to have prevented it. I feel SO sad, like the ground has been pulled out from under me. You loved me so fully and unconditionally, and I am not even sure why! But you did, and I will hold your love for me in my heart forever. I don't know how I am going to go on or get through this, but I know that God is carrying me, and will help me. Us girls are going to be okay, but we are going to miss you so very much. I believe in my heart that I will see you again in Heaven, and I pray that that day comes soon. Please stay in my heart, and give me the strength and courage to get through this. I need you, and I love you.

Love,

Your Daughter Nikki