to my Dad on Father's day (one day late)

Dad,

i wanted to write something to you yesterday for father's day, but as you know, in true nikki fashion, i am a day late. last year i called you on father's day, and you and mom and amy were doing something special for the day- making breakfast maybe, and then going for a walk, or maybe you made tacos for dinner and had your favorite yellow cake with chocolate frosting for dessert- and i told you happy Father's day, and that i loved you, and that i had a present/card for you that was on it's way (when in reality it probably wasn't even in the mail yet). i am bad at being on time with these kinds of things. if i would have known that it would be your last, i would have flown home, and been with you every second until it happened, and i would have held your hand and tried to stop it. if only...

Dad, i thought about you this morning and found myself laughing in the shower...i was thinking about your scrapbook from when you were little, and the page where you wrote neatly at the top: "My first gray hair," and signed at the bottom : "Patrick Williams, age 13" with a piece of curly gray hair taped to the middle.

and i was thinking about you last night and laughing, too, as i fell asleep. i started thinking about all your little treasures and sentimental things, stashed in the funniest places. i don't even want to think about the day (and hopefully it never comes) when we start packing up your clothes and giving them to the homeless shelter (because i know that's where you would want them to go) but if and when we ever do, the one thing i am looking forward to is all the little treasures we will find along the way... even now, you still find ways to amuse us.

when i was at home a few months ago, mom and melody went down south for, can you believe it, another funeral, and the night that they left, i snuck upstairs to your room, picked up your ashes and carried them into the bathroom, and started going through your things in your sink area. i felt a little bit guilty doing it, and kind of paranoid, but i rationalized that really, you were right there with me anyways, and knowing you, you really wouldn't care too much, so it would probably be okay. there were the usual toiletry items in the top drawer, and your special leather bag in the bottom drawer that was grandpa's i think, with shavers and matches inside, and some old aim toothpaste from the dollar store. After looking through these familiar items, I started digging around underneath the sink to see what i could find. There, in the very back, was a small cigar box, tucked away and hiding. I wasn't totally surprised- this is what you do...save papers and nicknacks and scraps of things and hide them in odd places, but I couldn't help but laugh, and as I pulled it out i knew that i was holding something very special in my hands.

i don't remember everything that was in it, but I do remember some things... a small yellow manila envelope with hand-written instructions in cursive saying: "this is to go to Melody," (i'm guessing there was a piece of jewelry in it at some point in time), a folded up funeral invitation with a mystery name on it, a PTA membership card with grandma's signature, charms and pennies of course, and a very official looking piece of paper stating:

"This certifies that Patrick Michael Williams has completed Kindergarten and is graduating into the first grade" signed Mrs. so and so, your kindergarten teacher (i can't remember her name).

so cute and hilarious, and also not surprising.

i also found this little blue faded fortune-telling card, that now has its home in my wallet:

"Reading C: Don't go through life forever wishing for the unattainable. Be a bit more realistic. Be satisfied with what you have and greater happiness will be yours. You are a zealous person, and can turn your capabilities for the good of others. If money slips too easily through your fingers, learn to curb your spending habits. Don't be too surprised if you find yourself "up in the air" one of these days."

Dad- this is just too much, i can't even take it. I will say that i found this fortune to be pretty timely, given that just a few days before you passed away, I was talking to you and mom about getting more on top of my finances and making a budget, and you were rooting me on, as you always do. where did you get this card from anyways, and what impressed you to save it for so long, until you finally put it in this little box and stashed it underneath your bathroom sink? maybe you wanted me to find it on purpose...that's what i like to think.

On this Father's Day, Dad, i want to say that i love you SO SO much. You are precious, and Mom and Amy and Melody and me and your whole family absolutely adore you. We love everything about you- your quirks, your stashes and nicknacks (even the old speakers and junk from garage sales that you kept in the attic and refused to get rid of), your humor, your huge and generous heart, and the way you took care of your family. i don't know what happens after a person dies, but i believe deep down that you are in the arms of God, being searched and known and loved in the deepest and most hidden corners of your soul, and that you are coming to know freedom in a way that you could never have begun to dream or imagine- because God loves you that much. i mean, come on, how could she not?

i miss you, Dad, and i wish that i could tell you all of this in person. we love you, and we think about you every day.

love,

your daughter nikki