a single girl's song of lament

sometimes, well a lot of the time, but especially over the holidays, it is really hard to be single. i am home and around all these people who are together as couples, and who love each other, who do sweet things like make each other home-made children's story love books and electric-powered heart pictures, and i am so happy for them... but, in a little corner of my heart, i feel a tinge of sadness. I am not sad ALL the time...just in certain moments. like when i see all these love birds cuddling on the couch, or when i go to the movies as the third-wheel, with no one to hold hands with. my heart aches.

most days (well, okay, like maybe 30% of the week) i don't mind being single. the thought of being with just ONE person, with all of their faults and limitations, FOREVER, kind of freaks me out. if i think about it too much, i start to feel a bit claustrophobic! but if it was the right person, someone really great, i think i could get over my claustrophobia and be okay. i guess i haven't gotten over that "hump" yet, so to speak, from simply dating to entering into a serious relationship. i haven't experienced what a long-term relationship would be like, and what kind of joy (and set of difficulties) that this unique kind of relationship would bring.

i've had many conversations with different people about being single. one married guy friend/cohort told me that there is a cost to being in a relationship, that it is really difficult, and that the grass is always greener on the other side. i am sure that being in a committed, long-term relationship would not be easy, but i don't hear many married/dating couples (who are relatively happy at least) say that they would go back to being single. they have someone to spoon with every single night! i mean, c'mon, seriously.

i talked to another friend recently who told me she was reading a book about a woman from a third-world, war torn country. she was a refugee, her family was killed, and somehow she managed to escape to Germany. while she was there, she fell in love, but the man she loved cheated on her and broke her heart. she said that this kind of pain- the pain of a broken heart- was different and worse than any other kind of pain she had experienced. this really is not too hard for me to believe...i have never gone through a war, but i have felt the pain of a broken heart (even over one date with someone that i barely knew, who decided to go for someone else that he was already dating) and it felt like the wind was knocked out of me! i literally felt like i was derailed.

one of my professors at school says that the purpose of therapy is not to help people become happier, but to help people learn how to honestly suffer. there are many ways that people suffer...I sit with people who tell me their stories of suffering--stories of unhappy marriages, of affairs, of loneliness and loss, of abuse that is unspeakable and horrendous. i listen and simply try to be with them in it. and sometimes, usually the next day, all the suffering that has gotten inside of me needs to get let out, and i cry and cry. through this process of being an intern, i am learning that "we can only lead others as far as we have gone ourselves," which means that I need to learn how to honestly suffer as well. this is not easy for me to do, but I am trying. and I am learning that grief, too, is a gift.

i am not sure exactly how to end this post, since it is a bit depressing (and on Christmas day too...sheez louise! really, i have so many things to be grateful for). but tonight, i cried in the bathroom, and i thought it might help to write my thoughts out in a blog, and invite other people to lament with me, so that perhaps i would not feel so alone.

i guess i will end by kindly requesting that you please NOT write comments like: "don't worry, it will happen when you are least expecting it! that's how it happened for me..." or, "you are so beautiful and you will make a great wife and mother someday!" these kinds of comments might make you, the married/dating person feel better, but believe me, it really is no consolation to a single girl. the best way to be of help is to simply listen and be with me in it, and to acknowledge that my pain is real.

someday, i hope to find someone really special to spend my days with...someone to make breakfast with and sit on the couch with, someone to hold hands with and make wal-mart runs with (so that i can buy him toothpaste and underwear with gift cards that my harley-davidson driving uncle gives me), someone to go to sleep at night with and wake up in morning with. until then, i will keep my chin up and count my blessings, cry when i need to, pray a lot, talk to friends, and write blogs occasionally about being single and not necessarily loving it.

A Thanksgiving Benediction

last year at our thanks.giving vespers a friend from school, Jackie Moulton, wrote a poem that i have remembered and have wanted to read and read again, because i loved it so much. i just managed to get a hold of it and i want to share it with my friends...(i am in the process of asking for her permission, but i'm sure she won't mind). read it slowly, like a children's story, and let the words sink in deep and bring you rest.

Shhhhh…..

it's time.

it's time to put the little ones to sleep.

it's getting late and we have things to do.

See, Shames little eyes are beginning to droop.

She is trying so hard to seem awake and attentive,

but it's late,

and she is tired

So go ahead, put Shame to bed.

We will all knowingly excuse you while you put her tired little body down.

We all have these kids too,

we understand.

shhhhhh

See, look, Doubt is also nodding off. He has had a rough day.

So go ahead,

pick him up and carry him off to bed.

Lay him gently in his room with the toys scattered everywhere and the airplanes painted on the wall.

Help Should Have and Could Have into their star wars p.j.'s.

Lead them into their bedrooms and tuck them in to their tiny beds.

Go ahead and let Guilt scurry down the hall in his footy pajamas.

Anxiety is running around the living room tirelessly like a crazy person.

but it's past her bedtime,

and you are not fooled by her loud boisterous yelps,

she is oh so tired.

So pick her up and take her to bed.

You know very well she will throw a fit.

she still wants to play.

But a good parent is kind and yet sticks to the rules.

bedtime is bedtime.

Lay all these little ones down in their little beds.

Caress Shames face as she tosses and turns to find a comfortable spot.

Sing softly to Should Have and Could Have,

they have a hard time falling asleep…..

hush little baby don't you cry,

mommas gonna sing you a lullaby.

Bring Anxiety a cup of warm milk and rub her back

until she slips into dreams where she is free and able to fly.

Leave the night light on.

Be kind.

Remember, they are only children.

Doubt will wake up in a few hours and demand water and reassurance.

So bring water, rub his back, and speak softly.

He is just a child.

Remember they are children

and as children tend to do, they will grow up.

after tears and fights and long nights

spent awake

they will grow up.

they will grow up

and move out

and come back in full force during the holidays.

They are children,

they act the way they do because they are scared and unsure.

we all understand that.

we’ve been kids ourselves.

I wish I could tell you to go ahead and go to sleep for in the morning

shame, doubt, guilt, and fear will be all matured, grown up and out of the house.

but they won't.

they will be up early.

probably way earlier than you.

doubt will be jumping on your bed.

and shame will be in the kitchen spilling cheerios and milk all over the counter.

Should have and Would have will have a whole list of things they want to do

but remember they are just children,

so be kind

and yet firm.

Fear does not get to run around screaming in this house.

Shame does not get to say nasty cruel things at you.

and Anxiety is going to help with the chores whether she likes it or not.

stick with them.

be gentle.

they will grow up soon.

I promise.

So Go ahead,

and kindly put them to bed.

We have singing and dancing to do.

remember, You are doing great.

Every parent feels exasperated at the end of the day.

Every parent feels from time to time that they are doing everything wrong.

From time to time Every parent feels helpless.

Shhhhhh…

see,

shame and guilt have finally stopped fussing and are dreaming sweet dreams.

Should Have and Could Have are snoring little snores.

Anxiety is tossing and turning but

asleep.

So come on,

lets sing.

lets dance

and play.

lets celebrate,

ourselves.

you are all magnificent parents.

you have done another day.

you survived today, with all those kids...

and if that is not proof of love and grace I don't know what is.

you are all walking houses of the holy,

and you are so beautiful.

so come on,

lets be alive.

lets sing.

together.

Regina Spektor-Dance Anthem of The 80's

So i think this is about the cutest video that i ever did see. i love her lyrics..."There's a meet market down the street, the boys and girls watch each other eat, when they really just wanna watch each other sleeeeeeeeeeep." yeah i'd say this is pretty true...man girl you nailed it. :)

This Is How We Fight

In this week's reading for Therapy II, Karen Maroda talks about developing the ability to be emotionally honest. She argues that people change only when they can feel deeply and freely. To be able to know, accept, and express one's feelings is crucial to developing our emotional intelligence, and having the capacity to develop intimate relationships (from The Curse of the Good Girl).

Maroda quotes this passage in her text, which I thought I would share:

All close relationships require proximity that causes us to step on each other's toes. If, for whatever reason, one does not say "ouch" and communicate the distress experienced as a result of the other's actions, a complex dilemma is created. The need to disguise the distress causes the inmost self to be hidden from the other. The distress, if unrelieved, eventually triggers anger and resentment that must also be hidden. This causes further withdrawal and hiding of the inmost self. The other, perhaps not even aware of the offense, experiences a sense of rejection triggered by the withdrawal, without information adequate to allow reestablishment of the intimate bond. Now hurt, the other may also resort to withdrawal, thus setting in motion a recursive loop of rejection and hurt" (Kelly, 1996, pp. 87-88).

Conflict is inevitable in all close relationships. Our goal in relationship should not be to avoid conflict, but rather to learn how to fight well...to communicate openly, directly and honestly to each other, and to say "ouch" when we are hurt. When we don't do this, we hide our inmost selves, and become angry and restentful in the process. This hiding of ourselves only leads to greater distance and withdrawal from the other person, and the downward spiral continues. The question is, what is so scary about being emotionally honest? Often we believe that if we say how we really feel, we will lose relationship, so we sacrifice honesty in order to attempt to preserve the relationship that we value so deeply. However, by hiding our vulnerable emotions and withholding the truth when we are hurt, the very thing that we fear begins to happen...a loss of intimacy within relationship--to know and be known.

This is what I want--to have the ability to be emotionally honest. I want to be able to feel my emotions deeply and freely, without dismissing or minimizing them, and to let them have weight and significance. I want to be able to know, accept, and express my emotions (from The Curse of the Good Girl, p. 131), without judgment or self-contempt. I want to be authentic and real in who I am and what I feel, and I am proud of myself to say that I am actually beginning to learn how to do this, thanks to the hand of God in my life, and to good therapy. And for the record, let me just say that this kind of freedom feels SOOOOO good.

Maroda's concept of how to deal with conflict is not a new one. Biblical scripture provides great wisdom on how fight well, and how to be emotionally honest with each other (Matt. 18). Let's take these words of wisdom to heart, and trust that through conflict we have the potential to grow in intimacy with God, ourselves, and each other.

Tribute to the Everyday

Today in our Sabbath group, a friend shared with us her deep love for Denmark and its culture. I've never really known much about Denmark, but tonight I learned several things about this little country that I never knew before, and that have convinced me that I pretty much want to live there:

1) According to research on happiness, the people in Denmark are found to be the happiest people on Earth.

2) This country has free health care for its citizens, school paid for through college, and a very good retirement plan that everyone receives. Although they pay more taxes, and the system isn't perfect, it's worth it because they know that their basic needs will be taken care of.

3) They have a 35hr. work week, and 6 weeks of paid vacation every year.

4) They are known for their ability to create wonderful dwelling spaces.

5) They deeply value community. When it comes to setting up a date to get together, they mean it...unlike our culture, where we'll casually say, "yeah, we should hang out sometime!" but often don't really mean it or follow through.

6) They know how to enjoy and savor the everyday.

During our reflection time, I realized that I just recently purchased a table that was made in Denmark that I absolutely love. It has no fluff or frills- just a basic, well built wooden table. But the amazing thing about it is that it is SO easy to use! It has two leaves that conveniently slide out and then back in, so it can easily sit four to six people, and I don't have to deal with the crazy hassle of trying to pull the table apart, take the leaf out, shove the table back together, and then find a place to hide the leaf in a closet or something. AND, the legs on this table are amazing too! They screw on and off, so you can transport the table easily, and it's easy enough for one person to do it. I was able to take it out of my car, carry it into the house, and set it up all by myself! The Danish people know how to make living easy and enjoyable, and stress-free...something that my adorable kitchen table demonstrates so well.

Our friend, Aurora, also read this poem, written by a Danish man that talks about his wild love for the everyday. I found it to be a lovely little poem that is definitely worth reading, sharing, and re-sharing.

Hyldest til Hverdagen (Tribute to the Everyday)

I am fond of the everyday,

most of all I am fond of the everyday,

The slow awakening to the known views

that all the same are never quite so familiar

The family's at once both intimate but after sleep's distance unfamiliar faces

morning kisses

the smack of the post landing in the hall

the smell of coffee

the ritual walk to the corner market for

milk, cigarettes, newspapers

I am fond of the everyday

even through all its irritations

the bus which clatters outside on the street

the telephone that incessantly disturbs the most beautiful, blankest

standing-still nothing of my aquarium

the birds that chirp from their cage

the old neighbor that looks past

the kid who has to be picked up at nursery only just as one is getting going

the constant shopping list in the jacket pocket

with its regular demands of meat, potatoes, coffee and crackers

the quick little one at the local

when we all meet together with our shopping bags and wipe our sweat from our brows

I am fond of the everyday

the daily agenda

also the biological

the unavoidable procedures of the bath and toilet

the obligatory shaving

the letters that must be written

the rent

the balancing of the checkbook

the dishes

the realization of having run out of diapers and tape

i am fond of the everyday

Not in contrast to parties and colors, good times and applause

have that as well

with all its leftover cinder

so much unsaid and approximated

floating and hanging in the air afterwards

like some sort of psychological hangover

only the everyday morning coffee can cure

fine enough with the parties! all the room for euphoria!

let the thousand pearls bubble!

and what happiness it is to afterwards lay oneself down

in rest and everyday's bed

with the familiar

all the same not quite so familiar

I am fond of the everyday

I am wild about it

stop the holidays i am so fond of the everyday

i am really fucking fond of the everyday

Thanks so much, friends, for a wonderful Sabbath evening, and to Aurora and Nicole for sharing your thoughts and voice with us. Here's to shakras (maybe I'll blog about that next week), and to the everyday!

e·volve [ih-volv]

to evolve: to come forth gradually into being, develop, open, unfold...

It has been said that "slow growth is good growth." Slow growth is the only kind of growth that is reliable and trustworthy. Any other kind of growth is suspect, and should be for good reason, since it takes time to heal- there are no quick fixes when it comes to matters of the heart. As I contemplate my own process of what seems to be snail-paced growth, it is relieving to be reminded that, perhaps, I am exactly where I need to be...I am gradually coming forth into being, unfolding, evolving, and to rush the process would be to spoil the whole thing.

The earth and all of its inhabitants have an incredible capacity to evolve; to grow. It is this capacity that I have felt particularly grateful for lately. It feels good to grow and to have the capacity to change and create. It feels like a breath of fresh air to realize that I have the ability to choose life, and to grow.

In the chapter, "The Reversal of Narcissism," Symington writes:

"...the narcissistic situation goes into reverse the moment we start to do, to create...The marvel is that it is possible to change the emotional facts of our lives. Our lives are not set in concrete, but the narcissistic voice will always tell us that we are. Our minds can change, and with a changed mind our personal world changes. It can change radically."

our lives are not set in concrete, but the narcissistic voice will always tell us that we are...

I am resistant to change; I do not want to grow.

There is a certain kind of humbleness that comes with opening ourselves up to growth. Often I feel that my pride (or that narcissistic voice) keeps me from growing in the way that I most desire. But when I begin to do, to create, I begin to feel alive again, and thriving. Choosing the life-giver inside of us is not an easy choice, though. It is in fact, probably the scariest thing we will ever do.

As Symington writes...

"The lifegiver as a component within comes about through a leap in the dark. This extract gives us a feeling of terrible risk. As Tolstoy points out, the fear in the human heart is enormous when taking one of these emotional steps. I remember once a man whom I was seeing for psychotherapy saying, "This step that I'm daring to take is just as great as climbing Mount Everest, and I agreed with him. But it is that step outwards that is the core of the healthy self."

I am ready (i think, gulp) to take the risk of growing- these old patterns and defenses aren't serving me well anymore, and I am ready to be great, to live into my power and my light that is already within me, since I am a child of God (from Marianne Williamson). It is a dangerous leap, for sure, and I am terrified. I might have to teeter-totter on the edge and contemplate my decision for a little while longer, but the scales are tipping, so to speak, and I am leaning, leaning, about ready to jump, believing with Kobi Yamata that my wings will be built on the way down, and with Marianne Williamson that my own liberation will unconsciously liberate others as well. And because I believe that the risk is worth it, and that the cost of not growing is far greater than the cost of growing, I am going to take the leap and choose the life-giver inside me, oh yes I am. So here I go......

the to-go coffee cup

What is it, exactly, about the to-go coffee cup? There is something that seems so, so..sophisticated about carrying around a little paper cup with a cute logo on it that says "Starbucks" or "Cafe Umbria," with a black lid on top and a little brown cardboard warmer thing around it.

To-go coffee cups are so exciting. They have a mysterious way of making the carrier of the cup seem so put-together and sexy. The to-go-cup in the hand sends the message: I am successful, hip, smart, I read the paper, and I am probably someone who is really cool.

Every time I see someone carrying a coffee-to-go cup, I have an automatic response of feeling kind of aroused...

As I watch the to-go coffee cup in the hand of its carrier, I feel a warm tingling sensation inside--the way the hand caresses the cup so thoughtlessly as the carrier of the cup engages in intelligent and insightful conversation, or simply gazes out the window, mysteriously pondering deep thoughts.

The to-go-coffee cup communicates wealth and possibility, privilege and success; the to-go coffee cup is so much more than just a to-go coffee cup.

Sometimes, I will carry my to-go-coffee cup around just for fun, even if the coffee inside is pretty much all gone. Or I will try to prolong my sips in order to make the sexiness of the to-go cup in my hand last just a little bit longer...I am not ready to part with its magical properties quite yet.

Am I alone in my to-go coffee cup fetish? Maybe it's just me, but given the amount of people that I see on a daily basis with to-go coffee cups in hand, I do not think that I am the only one who has been seduced by this form of cardboard hotness. Yes, we Seattlites (and Californians) love our coffee, but is the to-go cup really necessary? I think it would be safe to say that there is more to the to-go cup than simply just the coffee.

Considering the amount of paper waste that is accumulated in Seattle, WA alone, there is great reason to reverse the desirability of the to-go coffee cup, and make BYOC a more popular thing to do. How can we begin to make sustainability a sexy thing, rather than wastefulness?

With all of this said, I must admit that I am not ready to say goodbye to the to-go coffee cup just yet. Perhaps I will try to cut down on buying lattes overall, or I will reuse my to-go cups (even if it does seem a little weird). I don't want to give up the pleasure that the to-go coffee cup brings, and the powerful feelings that come along with it. Just being honest here. But maybe this little pondering is the first step, for me at least, to relinquish my to-go coffee cup obsession, to protest the lies that the media tries to tell be about how to-go coffee cups can make my life better, and to reclaim my own sexiness, which cannot be defined by some exterior object that I hold in my hand.

White Supremacy Culture

(i found this in my Intercultural Communication Skills Workbook. by Tema Okun, based on the work of Daniel Buford with People's Institute for Survival and Beyond. So interesting to read, and definitely worth sharing.)

This is a list of characteristics of white supremacy that show up in our organizations. Culture is powerful precisely because it is so present and at the same time so very difficult to name or identify. The characteristics listed below are damaging because they are used as norms and standards without being pro-actively named or chosen by the group. They are damaging because they promote white supremacy thinking. Because we all live in a white supremacy culture, these characteristics show up in the attitude and behaviors of all of us--people of color and white people. Therefore, these attitudes and behaviors of all show up in any group or organization, whether it is white-led or predominantly white or people of color-led or predominantly people of color.

Perfectionism

1. Little appreciation expressed among people for the work that others are doing; appreciation that is expressed usually directed to those who get most of the credit anyway.

2. More common to point out how the person or work is inadequate.

3. Talk to others about the inadequacies of a person or their work without ever talking directly to them.

4. Mistakes are seen as personal i.e., they reflect badly on the person making them as opposed to being seen for what they are--mistakes.

5. Making a mistake is confused with being a mistake, doing wrong with being wrong.

6. Little time, energy or money put into reflection or identifying lessons learned that can improve practice, in other words little or no learning from mistakes.

7. Tendency to identify what's wrong; little ability to identify, name, and appreciate what's right.

8. Fails to appreciate her own good work, more often pointing out his faults or 'failures', focusing on inadequacies and mistakes rather than learning from them; the person works with a harsh and constant inner critic.

Sense of Urgency

1. Continued sense of urgency that makes it difficult to take time to be inclusive, encourage depressive culture.

Quantity over Quality

1. All resources of organization are directed toward producing measurable goals.

2. Things that can be measured are more highly valued than things that cannot, for example number of people attending a meeting, newsletter circulation, money spent are valued more than quality of relationships, democratic decision-making, ability to constructively deal with conflict.

3. Little or no value attached to process; if it can't be measured, it has no value.

4. Discomfort with emotion and feelings.

5. No understanding when there is a conflict between content (the agenda of the meeting) and process (people's need to be heard or engaged), process will prevail (for example, you may get though the agenda, but if you haven't paid attention to people's need to be heard, the decisions made at the meeting are undermined and/or disregarded).

Worship of the Written Word

1. If it's not in a memo, it doesn't exist.

2. The organization does not take into account or value other ways in which information is shared.

3. Those with strong documentation and writing skills are more highly valued, even in organizations where ability to relate to others is key to the mission.

Only One Right Way

1. The belief there is one right way to do things and once people are introduced to the right way, they will see the light and adopt it.

2. When they do not adapt or change, then something is wrong with them (the other, those not changing), not with us (those who 'know' the right way).

3. Similar to the missionary who does not see value in the culture of other communities, sees only value in their beliefs about what is good.

Paternalism

1. Decision-making is clear to those with power and unclear to those without it.

2. Those with power think they are capable of making decisions for and in the interests of those without power.

3. Those with power often don't think it is important or necessary to understand the viewpoint or experience of those for whom they are making decisions.

4. Those without power understand they do not have it and understand who does.

5. Those without power do not really know how decisions get made and who makes what decisions, and yet they are completely familiar with the impact of those decisions on them.

Either/Or Thinking

1. Requiring people to think in a linear (logical) fashion and ignoring or invalidating those who think in other ways.

2. Impatience with any thinking that does not appear 'logical'.

Right to Comfort

1. The belief that those with power have a right to emotional and psychological comfort (another aspect of valuing 'logic' over emotion).

2. Scapegoating those who cause discomfort.

3. Equating individual acts of unfairness against white people with systemic racism which daily targets people of color.

I found these characteristics to be pervasive both within myself and in the White dominant culture that I have grown up in. Damage is done when one culture assumes its way of thinking is "right" and other ways are wrong, and when it does not give space to listen to and receive other voices. It is helpful to have these things named and identified, because we cannot modify the damaging ways in which we live and relate to others until we become aware of the oppressive and exclusive attitudes that are within us. It is through awareness that we can begin to make a choice to live differently if we so choose.

oh my Whale!

My parents went on a trip to Maui a few weeks ago, and it happened to be Humpback Whale season. The whales travel north during the summertime and eat TONS of food, and then they come back down south during the wintertime to play and have babies. On this special day, my parents and their friends, Donna and Denny, took kayaks out to watch the whales at a safe distance. The whales seemed to have another idea though, and decided to put on a show just for them! And my dad was clever enough to bring his camera along. :)

this one was just stickin' its nose out to see what's up.

this is a baby whale, i think. it was rubbing its barnacles on the bottom of Donna and Denny's kayak!

crraAZY!!! my dad should be a photographer for the National Geographic.

a WHOLE WHALE on top of the water! unbelievable.

I am in complete awe of these images...and to think of the thrill it would be to be there up close and in person! My mom described it as the scariest and most exciting moment of her life--truly life changing. I am SO happy that my parents got to experience something like this. What a gift!

Imagine A Woman

Imagine a woman

who believes it is right and good she is woman.

A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.

Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman

who believes she is good.

A woman who trusts and respects herself.

Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman

who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.

A woman who has walked through her past.

Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman

who authors her own life.

A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.

Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman

who names her own gods.

A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.

Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman

in love with her own body.

A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.

Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman

who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face.

A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.

Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman

who values the women in her life.

A woman who sits in circles of women.

Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

(this poem is by Patricia Lynn Reilly, M.Div. Thank you Patricia for your life-giving words.)

Ordinary Lecture

(These are my thoughts/notes taken from O'Donnel Day's ordinary lecture on 1.18.10)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart.

Try me and know my thoughts.

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting."

~ Psalm 139:23-24

Scripture says that we need to know and to be known in our hearts, tried and known in our anxious/fearful places, and begin to see the hurtful ways inside of us, and this will lead us to life.

This is not an easy task to do. I do not want to be searched and known, I do not want to grow. This kind of searching involves pain, and pain hurts. How do I deal with this kind of mental/psychological pain? These hurtful ways that I see myself, others, God? The hurtful ways in me that include self-abusive thoughts such as:

- "I am all bad."

- "I am fundamentally unlovable."

- "Something about me makes people move away."

- "I don't deserve love."

- "My love is too great and will overwhelm everyone."

- "My need for others isn't valid."

- "My badness is worse than other's badness."

I have learned in my classes that self-contempt and others-contempt are defense mechanisms we develop to keep us from experiencing intolerable pain and loss. I have tended to lean more towards self-contempt (although it is said that these two pieces are sides of the same coin), and I have wrecked havoc on my own heart for many, many years. The most difficult thing for me to do is to extend grace to my own heart, to let go of my mistakes, and to believe that I am loved, even with all of my flaws. I have a hard time believing that someone could really love ALL of me- this kind of love is certainly the most dreadful kind--because there are parts of me that I still do not love and have not accepted.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. And see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting..."

Being searched and known in this kind of way leads to life...

In the past year and a half, I have found myself on a journey that I would not have guessed...I have been walking into my own story, searching with kindness and curiosity, (as well as self-contempt, fear, and resistance), braving into deep waters of these hidden places of hurt. And on this journey, my life is beginning to be recovered.

When I open my heart to God to search me and know me, and allow myself to get close to the kindness that I find in my Higher Power (sometimes extended in the faces of friends who listen and care, sometimes found in a circle of strangers at a 12-step group, sometimes at night, when I crawl into bed and begin to pray, and my anxiety-that has done its best to protect me- finally relaxes and softens into tears) I begin to feel worthy again, and lovable. I am grateful for a God who loves me enough to search me in this way, and bear with me "all things," so that I may find life in the process.

two thousand and ten new years resolutions. (well maybe not THAT many).

The beginning of a new year always feels exciting and full of promise...new classes, a new beginning, hope and potential and dreams and anticipation squealing with excitement inside my heart for what is to come. I know full well that the initial "shine" of a new year wears off, usually by the beginning of February, but for now, in these first few days of 2010, I want to revel in the newness, and dream about what is to come in the months ahead. Here are a few of my goals and dreams for this next year, and I hope to stick with it (as much as I can), learn some new things, and grow into the creative animal that I am made to be.

1. do yoga once a week

2. eat flax seed every day

3. learn how to sew

4. exercise

5. take a pottery class

6. go through "The Artist's Way" book

7. keep up on my blog

8. take a train somewhere (maybe Vancouver, Canada?)

9. practice Spanish

10. play guitar and write music

11. read the newspaper

12. nurture my spiritual life (perhaps by going to a Monastery or looking into Spiritual Direction, and getting more involved in my church)

I have other ideas too, but I don't want to get too carried away...cheers to 2010!

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the dessert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. -Mary Oliver