a single girl's song of lament

sometimes, well a lot of the time, but especially over the holidays, it is really hard to be single. i am home and around all these people who are together as couples, and who love each other, who do sweet things like make each other home-made children's story love books and electric-powered heart pictures, and i am so happy for them... but, in a little corner of my heart, i feel a tinge of sadness. I am not sad ALL the time...just in certain moments. like when i see all these love birds cuddling on the couch, or when i go to the movies as the third-wheel, with no one to hold hands with. my heart aches.

most days (well, okay, like maybe 30% of the week) i don't mind being single. the thought of being with just ONE person, with all of their faults and limitations, FOREVER, kind of freaks me out. if i think about it too much, i start to feel a bit claustrophobic! but if it was the right person, someone really great, i think i could get over my claustrophobia and be okay. i guess i haven't gotten over that "hump" yet, so to speak, from simply dating to entering into a serious relationship. i haven't experienced what a long-term relationship would be like, and what kind of joy (and set of difficulties) that this unique kind of relationship would bring.

i've had many conversations with different people about being single. one married guy friend/cohort told me that there is a cost to being in a relationship, that it is really difficult, and that the grass is always greener on the other side. i am sure that being in a committed, long-term relationship would not be easy, but i don't hear many married/dating couples (who are relatively happy at least) say that they would go back to being single. they have someone to spoon with every single night! i mean, c'mon, seriously.

i talked to another friend recently who told me she was reading a book about a woman from a third-world, war torn country. she was a refugee, her family was killed, and somehow she managed to escape to Germany. while she was there, she fell in love, but the man she loved cheated on her and broke her heart. she said that this kind of pain- the pain of a broken heart- was different and worse than any other kind of pain she had experienced. this really is not too hard for me to believe...i have never gone through a war, but i have felt the pain of a broken heart (even over one date with someone that i barely knew, who decided to go for someone else that he was already dating) and it felt like the wind was knocked out of me! i literally felt like i was derailed.

one of my professors at school says that the purpose of therapy is not to help people become happier, but to help people learn how to honestly suffer. there are many ways that people suffer...I sit with people who tell me their stories of suffering--stories of unhappy marriages, of affairs, of loneliness and loss, of abuse that is unspeakable and horrendous. i listen and simply try to be with them in it. and sometimes, usually the next day, all the suffering that has gotten inside of me needs to get let out, and i cry and cry. through this process of being an intern, i am learning that "we can only lead others as far as we have gone ourselves," which means that I need to learn how to honestly suffer as well. this is not easy for me to do, but I am trying. and I am learning that grief, too, is a gift.

i am not sure exactly how to end this post, since it is a bit depressing (and on Christmas day too...sheez louise! really, i have so many things to be grateful for). but tonight, i cried in the bathroom, and i thought it might help to write my thoughts out in a blog, and invite other people to lament with me, so that perhaps i would not feel so alone.

i guess i will end by kindly requesting that you please NOT write comments like: "don't worry, it will happen when you are least expecting it! that's how it happened for me..." or, "you are so beautiful and you will make a great wife and mother someday!" these kinds of comments might make you, the married/dating person feel better, but believe me, it really is no consolation to a single girl. the best way to be of help is to simply listen and be with me in it, and to acknowledge that my pain is real.

someday, i hope to find someone really special to spend my days with...someone to make breakfast with and sit on the couch with, someone to hold hands with and make wal-mart runs with (so that i can buy him toothpaste and underwear with gift cards that my harley-davidson driving uncle gives me), someone to go to sleep at night with and wake up in morning with. until then, i will keep my chin up and count my blessings, cry when i need to, pray a lot, talk to friends, and write blogs occasionally about being single and not necessarily loving it.

A Thanksgiving Benediction

last year at our thanks.giving vespers a friend from school, Jackie Moulton, wrote a poem that i have remembered and have wanted to read and read again, because i loved it so much. i just managed to get a hold of it and i want to share it with my friends...(i am in the process of asking for her permission, but i'm sure she won't mind). read it slowly, like a children's story, and let the words sink in deep and bring you rest.

Shhhhh…..

it's time.

it's time to put the little ones to sleep.

it's getting late and we have things to do.

See, Shames little eyes are beginning to droop.

She is trying so hard to seem awake and attentive,

but it's late,

and she is tired

So go ahead, put Shame to bed.

We will all knowingly excuse you while you put her tired little body down.

We all have these kids too,

we understand.

shhhhhh

See, look, Doubt is also nodding off. He has had a rough day.

So go ahead,

pick him up and carry him off to bed.

Lay him gently in his room with the toys scattered everywhere and the airplanes painted on the wall.

Help Should Have and Could Have into their star wars p.j.'s.

Lead them into their bedrooms and tuck them in to their tiny beds.

Go ahead and let Guilt scurry down the hall in his footy pajamas.

Anxiety is running around the living room tirelessly like a crazy person.

but it's past her bedtime,

and you are not fooled by her loud boisterous yelps,

she is oh so tired.

So pick her up and take her to bed.

You know very well she will throw a fit.

she still wants to play.

But a good parent is kind and yet sticks to the rules.

bedtime is bedtime.

Lay all these little ones down in their little beds.

Caress Shames face as she tosses and turns to find a comfortable spot.

Sing softly to Should Have and Could Have,

they have a hard time falling asleep…..

hush little baby don't you cry,

mommas gonna sing you a lullaby.

Bring Anxiety a cup of warm milk and rub her back

until she slips into dreams where she is free and able to fly.

Leave the night light on.

Be kind.

Remember, they are only children.

Doubt will wake up in a few hours and demand water and reassurance.

So bring water, rub his back, and speak softly.

He is just a child.

Remember they are children

and as children tend to do, they will grow up.

after tears and fights and long nights

spent awake

they will grow up.

they will grow up

and move out

and come back in full force during the holidays.

They are children,

they act the way they do because they are scared and unsure.

we all understand that.

we’ve been kids ourselves.

I wish I could tell you to go ahead and go to sleep for in the morning

shame, doubt, guilt, and fear will be all matured, grown up and out of the house.

but they won't.

they will be up early.

probably way earlier than you.

doubt will be jumping on your bed.

and shame will be in the kitchen spilling cheerios and milk all over the counter.

Should have and Would have will have a whole list of things they want to do

but remember they are just children,

so be kind

and yet firm.

Fear does not get to run around screaming in this house.

Shame does not get to say nasty cruel things at you.

and Anxiety is going to help with the chores whether she likes it or not.

stick with them.

be gentle.

they will grow up soon.

I promise.

So Go ahead,

and kindly put them to bed.

We have singing and dancing to do.

remember, You are doing great.

Every parent feels exasperated at the end of the day.

Every parent feels from time to time that they are doing everything wrong.

From time to time Every parent feels helpless.

Shhhhhh…

see,

shame and guilt have finally stopped fussing and are dreaming sweet dreams.

Should Have and Could Have are snoring little snores.

Anxiety is tossing and turning but

asleep.

So come on,

lets sing.

lets dance

and play.

lets celebrate,

ourselves.

you are all magnificent parents.

you have done another day.

you survived today, with all those kids...

and if that is not proof of love and grace I don't know what is.

you are all walking houses of the holy,

and you are so beautiful.

so come on,

lets be alive.

lets sing.

together.